The sun is 100% solar-powered.
You Might Also Like
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
This was the best day of my life
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
fixed it