pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.