AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
no!! no!!!!!!
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Good morning.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s