Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Nomnomnomnom
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.