Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
This was the best day of my life
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out