“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Dune (2021)
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)