Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
A completely valid reaction tbh
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
the three branches of government