Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
These work great until they don’t.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.