I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so