Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?