The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
You Might Also Like
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving