MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*pronounces woah like Noah*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Wikigenius
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.