Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT