Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
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succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Catercrombie & Fish
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old