*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
This checks out
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
(Gaming support cat.)
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat