My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation