I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I was bored.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.