Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice