i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I wish I could veto my bills.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??