I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.