Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
#NeverForget
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK