My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.