wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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If you love someone, let them sleep.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Cha-ching is my safe word