I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
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*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen