1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
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wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*