I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.