“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Dear Lord..
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day