Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Peace was never an option
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?