Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
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Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Thursday