I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
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What even happened today?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…