*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
be careful
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.