Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
That’s easy for you to say
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.