Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler