Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
What do you hear?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”