Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
That stupid look on my face, is my face
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.