Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.