Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
You Might Also Like
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs