He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.