[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
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*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.