This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
You Might Also Like
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Help Wanted
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
when the buffet is more honest than your date
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
only writing recipes in wordart from now on