my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
You Might Also Like
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
There are no pants in heaven.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)