I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
this is how life feels
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can鈥檛 )