FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready