I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
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911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave