Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
What?!?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.