Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better