When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
ok like just. call me at this point
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom