AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
All set.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
A dad and his duck
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times