My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.