My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
A choir of Spring onions
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums